In celebration of St Patrick’s Day this week, we’ve searched the interwebs high and low (okay, maybe not too low) for “turty-tree” of the best Irish jokes around. Luckily for us, Irish folk are more than happy to have a chuckle at themselves – so feel free to enjoy in the spirit they were intended (and not as a xenophobic mocking exercise)…
One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
“Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory.”
Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned.”
Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh, don't tell me that! Did he at least go quickly?”
Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out three times to pee!”
An Irishman was flustered about not being able to find a parking space.
“Lord,” he prayed, “I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.
Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind, I found one.”
Two Irish lads were working for the Dublin public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'”
An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter.
“I'd like a return ticket,” he says.
“To here!” says the Irishman.
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy says, “In the car.”
Paddy says, “That's the quickest way.”
A young Irish boy said to his grandfather, “Make a frog noise for me, Grandad.”
“No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“No, I don't want to.”
“Oh please, Grandad, make a frog noise.”
“Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?”
“Mum says when you croak we can have this house.”
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both.”
Three guys – one Irish, one English, and one Scottish – are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
“I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total,” says the genie.
The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the genie's eye, the oceans were teeming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.” Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, “I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The genie explains, “Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”
The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He's done it again!”
Finnegan’s wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him.
“Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“She spoke without interruption for about 40 years,” said Finnegan.
O'Malley is leaving his favourite bar when he is run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. O'Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.
St Peter decides to go easy on him. “What has five fingers and is made of black leather?” he asks.
O'Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up.
“It's a glove,” says St Peter. “Let's try again. What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?”
O'Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, he gives up.
“Why, it's TWO gloves – don't you see? Ten fingers, black leather?” says St. Peter, amazed.
Being in a generous mood, St Peter decides to give O'Malley one final chance and thinks of an even easier question.
“Okay. Who is the patron saint of Ireland?” he asks, thinking surely O'Malley can't miss this.
“It wouldn't be three gloves, would it?” says O'Malley.
“I had an accident opening a can of alphabet spaghetti this morning,” said Murphy.
“Were you injured?” enquired Seamus.
“No, but it could have spelled disaster,” concluded Murphy.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympics, but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate.
Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon a construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, “Johnson, the pole vault,” and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, “McTavish, the hammer.” He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up, when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, “O'Sullivan, fencing.”
Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O'Leary asked a stewardess, “How high is this plane, Miss?”
The stewardess replied, “About thirty-two thousand feet, Father.”
The Father's jaw dropped in amazement.
“Who'd have believed it? And could ye tell me how wide it is?”
Did you hear about the Irish water polo team?
All their horses drowned.
An Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and says, “Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes – what would you like?”
The Irishman scratches his head, then answers, “A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty.”
“Granted, master” replies the Genie and produces the bottle.
The man is delighted and gets drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for weeks. Finally he remembers that he has two other wishes. He rubs the lamp again and the Genie appears.
“Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?”
“You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle?” he asks the Genie. “Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them…”
O'Rourke, the barber, was hearing complaints from his customer about the price of his services. “I tell you O'Rourke, you Dublin barbers have a stranglehold on the citizens. I was in New York just last month, and you charge me double what they charge there.”
“That may be true, Sir,” said the barber, “but think of the airfare.”
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I'm from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.”
“Of Course,” replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can't believe it,” says the first man.
“I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary's,” replies the second man.
“I graduated in '62.”
“This is unbelievable!” the first man says.
“I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!”
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What's been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O'Malley twins are drunk again…”
Two Irishmen looking for work see a sign that reads TREE FELLERS WANTED. “Oh, now, look at that,” said Paddy. “What a pity there's only de two of us!”
Did you hear about the Irish kamikaze pilot?
He flew 99 missions . . .
21. Death bed
Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
“My darling Kathleen,” he whispered.
“Hush, my love,” she said. “Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk.”
But he was insistent. “Kathleen,” he said in his tired voice. “I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you.”
“There's nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Kathleen. “It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother.”
Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. “Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it,” she said. “Why do you think I poisoned you?”
An Irishman backpacker went into an Australian post office to see if there were any letters for him. “I'll see, sir,” said the clerk. “What’s your name?”
“You're having me on now because I'm Irish,” said the Irishman.
“Won't you see the name on the envelope?”
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, “What's your name and address?”
“I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address.”
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. “I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.”
An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, “Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister.”
The son is astounded. “But, Dad!” he protests, “You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister.”
The old man looks up at him and says, “Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!”
“But, Dad,” cries the son, “Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!”
The old man manages to croak out the words, “Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now.” T
he son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. “I'm afraid you're too late, Father,” he says. “He's a Protestant now.”
Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. “Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?” he cries. “You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?”
“Well,” the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. “I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*.”
Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the Mother Superior. “Well, how can I help you little people?” asked Mother Superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked “Oh Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?”
“No,” says Mother Superior, “I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent.”
“All right then, Mother Superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?”
“No, no,” replied Mother Superior, “I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all.”
“Well then Mother Superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?”
“No, I would not; there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!” replied Mother Superior, “and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?”
The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the other leprechaun and said “See, it’s as I told you all along… you've been dating a penguin!”
An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Dublin airport.
“I've come to meet my brother,” said the Irishman. “He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years”.
“Will you be able to recognize him?” asked the American.
“I'm sure I won't,” said the Irishman. “After all, he's been away for a long time”.
“I wonder if he'll recognise you?” said the American.
“Of course he will,” said the Irishman. “Sure, an' I haven't been away at all!”
“Hello, Pan American Airlines?” said Big Mick Lonegan. “Could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?” The voice on the telephone said “I'll see sir, just a minute.” “Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye,” Mick said as he hung up.
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to got to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man's reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O'Toole said, “No, I don't Father.”
The priest said, “I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die, you don't want to go to heaven?”
O'Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”
Paddy was in New York, patiently watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay pedestrians”. Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the 10th time, Paddy called over to him, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”
Mrs Pete Monaghan came into the newspaper office to pay for her husband's death notice. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar per word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.
She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. So she wrote out the obituary, “Pete died.” The newsman took a look and said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge.
Mrs Pete Monaghan thanked him and changed it to: “Pete died. Boat for sale”.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That's them”. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we'll take four of them birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry. “Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. “I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT'.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, “Screw that, this budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me…”
32. Birds part 2
A minute later, Seamus arrives at the cliff. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. “Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejasus, that parrotshootin' is also too dangerous for me.”
33. Birds part 3
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag. However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the same result as the other two men. Once more Paddy shakes his head – “Acchh, first there was Gerry wit' his budgie jumping, then Seamus parrotshootin' and now this hen gliding…”